Beyond My Jobs, Beyond Validation

I used to think I was defined by my job, money, property, awards, what else? Jobs led you to those three aspects that people commonly associate with success. 

I keep looking at myself, stuck at the same point with my previous job; no more paths left to take. I do not earn much monthly, do not own any property, and have not received any awards; I consistently fail to publish any articles—ah, being a researcher is not that easy, either. What even is a success? Many steps remain to reach that point; does that point even exist in my life trajectory?

Until I realize I am not my job. No progress in my job doesn’t mean no progress in my life or no progress in me as a human being. 

It is, indeed, too naïve to think that jobs are not that important during this global instability; what do you mean by forgetting your job amidst the huge possibility of economic recession? Don’t you want to stay alive? Don’t you need money to survive?

But I think it is worth viewing this matter for a short moment—just to appreciate yourself a bit, perhaps? To see your value as a human being, which is far hidden behind this materiality barrier. 

Let me take this writing from my view, as an I.

I was kind of broken-hearted about how far I am behind compared to my office colleagues. All failures are piling up right in front of me: rejections, forgotten schedules, being left alone in a huge silent room, complaints, unfinished tasks, missed deadlines —all are stacking on the table—haunting me for days and forth. What’s even the point of my existence, me being in this job, me having the title of the position I was in? 

After resigning from the previous job, meeting new people, and encountering a new culture, I see that jobs are not my only identity; my life is beyond these boxes of ‘me as a researcher’ or ‘me as a designer’ or ‘me as a person who archives letters in the office’. 

Hey, I am me, a human with jobs, hobbies, flaws, jokes, and other puzzle pieces that shape who I am right now. I am me. My job is just part of me, not the whole of me.  

I admit that I always seek validation to define my success, even to decide whether my decision is right or wrong. Therefore, I was always in a cloudy mood whenever I got no appreciation or acknowledgment for what I do in my job. I am a designer, but why don’t they say anything about my design? Isn’t it good? I am a researcher, but why do I keep failing to publish or finish a project? I archive letters in the office, but why don’t they believe me to manage them? 

I was so sick, looking for validation, looking for people to call me with the title I wish they would call me with, looking for people to say how incredible my design is, fighting for the time to finally publish in the well-acknowledged journal publishers, getting assigned to important tasks, just to keep the job title I thought I had. 

What’s with this continuous-validation-seeking?

I used to interpret "no validation" as "no identity". 

What am I?

As time passes by, I get used to not being validated by others, I guess?

I make progress on my project, because I do make progress, even if it's as little as finishing a page of a journal article. 

I am a researcher because I am doing research. 

I am a designer at times because I do produce design work.

I am a student right now because I am admitted as one and working as one. 

Why do I need others to call me one when I am consciously doing a job as one—I am the one who knows what I’m doing? 

Even so, not being acknowledged by those job titles does not mean I cannot be acknowledged as human.

I am beyond my job and beyond others’ validation.