Undelivered Memo

The messages remain as drafts as we drift apart

and that was not the final letter I intended to send.

How have you been?

With a pondering heart and a wandering mind, I have been asking the same question inside my head for months. I have wanted to ask those questions and send all my memo drafts to our chat box that was last active years ago.

No new message, no new notification, no more “last seen”; “okay” and “okay” were our last exchanged words, although in that very last second I replied I was not okay, as I realize that would be our last.

Are you doing well?

From the very last message I read, I really hope you are. I can hardly sense any feeling from the dry, expressionless text, but I truly hope you are doing well. The dim spark in our last messages might contrast with the world you face every second, the splintering city lights and the clear night sky. I imagine so, and I want to believe so.

Perhaps, through these years, I was the only one wondering what went wrong. I was the only one re-reading our messages to find the right draft that should have been sent. Perhaps all the “what ifs” were solely mine, as none of them ever crossed your mind.

I am writing not to blame, although it may sound like that; not to hold grudges, although it may resemble one; rather, I am writing as an apology, which you never ask nor you ever expect to receive. This is just me listing my guilts and reflections.

I regret how I responded to you during your vulnerable moments. My decision to keep all messages in draft and act nonchalant may have upset or hurt you.

I regret not coming to your event, even though I passed by. My cowardly self might have turned our conversation left instead of right.

I regret not fully trusting you, despite wanting you to trust me. Keeping so much of myself hidden may have stopped you from opening up wider.

I regret bewildering you with a sudden, long, and indirect confession. Being straightforward might have conveyed the message better.

I am sorry for holding back, for not telling you anything, and for not showing or giving you anything, despite wanting everything from you in return.

This memo is something I have wanted to send you for a long time.

It has been long, but I still like you.

As friends, like you said. As a good friend, I hope and believe so. As someone who resembles parts of you, as you once told me, if you remember. As an acquaintance you met by chance at a campus event; this one is a fact.

I wish you all the best between the city lights and the busy streets.

May you find the missing piece of your puzzle to complete your life.