You don’t need to be everything, and everything you don’t need to be: Nothing is so worth it

I have been feeling exhausted this week, constantly, for five working days. Showing up at work was merely to fulfill the attendance report, while my mind wandered elsewhere. I have been feeling steadily sad, unneeded, unwanted. Should I just leave?

They don’t need me anyway. I only come as a burden, don’t I?

Passing through the days, isolating myself in a big room all by myself, I feel the walls keep pestering me to realize that I am alone, will always be alone, and nobody wants me.

What is my presence even doing here? Just producing yet another round of emissions from the electricity used for lights and air conditioning.

Just leaving a carbon footprint, yet for what purpose?

If I leave, everything will keep going, right?

Even as I write this conclusion-less text, my mind is still packed and chaotic with the thought: I cannot do that; I’m not needed. Should I just leave?

I grew up in an environment where I had to excel at everything I did. They believed I could, therefore I had to. To be appreciated, loved, acknowledged, seen, to be everything in this world, I had to please everyone and everything. Even the slightest flaw could not exist. If I could not fulfill that, I would not be appreciated, I would not be loved, I would not be acknowledged, I would not be seen. If so, what’s the point of existing?

Never say no, never say you can’t, because if you do, you will fall into despair.

Unfortunately, the office walls, all four of them, have been telling me, “You are no longer needed, love. Look, nobody even cares if you leave.”

It results in this constant feeling of being unworthy and unneeded.

I once received advice to stop being a people-pleaser: “You will only repay yourself with endless discomfort and internal madness.”

But if I stop, will people stay?

I have tried to say no. I have declined jobs beyond my capability. I have been more honest with my surroundings. I have tried to stop prioritizing others’ comfort over my own. But what benefits have I gained?

This feeling of being unwanted?

I need to be everything. I must be everything.

I don't need to be nothing and everything I don’t need to be is being unneeded.