Reflection on self-doubt: Does help signify a weakness?

Growing up in a camouflaged environment, believing I had to go through it by myself, shaped my belief that I have to finish things without any help from others to prove that I can, even if it means facing consequences that are yet to be certain. 

I hypnotised myself, “no help, no problem.”

At some points, I begin to regard help as a form of weakness, which I do not want to expose myself to people. Weakness is the darkest side of someone’s self that should only be seen by the closest peer and family. I keep hiding and denying the help I have been receiving, and persistently telling myself that “I do not need help, and I should not receive one.”

On the contrary, I believe I have to be the one who offers help. It is okay for others to seek help, and it is partly my obligation to offer one. 

I should be the one who offers the energy to ensure people are doing great and get the things they want.

But I should not still receive help.

Help usually comes when you are in trouble, or when you do not have enough energy or capability to do some tasks, or when things get overwhelming.

All those situations depict a weak self that has lost the ability to manage its own environment and self.

A weakness which should not be seen, exposed, shall remain in the dark behind the shadow.

However, why do I feel the obligation to offer help? 

Do I see others weaker than myself, then?

I don’t think so.

As I reflect, it is a funny way of thinking, isn’t it?

While busy becoming a hero for others, you leave yourself in an unknown place, rejecting all the directions people offer you.

Even if you regard them as a source of embarrassment, despite knowing you need one. Eventually, you will lose yourself.

But still, help comes when one cannot seem to grasp and control their surroundings.

Isn’t that a weakness?

Living year by year in silence, hiding all forms of help I have been receiving, until I reach the point where I cannot differentiate whether I did things because of my ability or because of the help. I keep perceiving help as a form of weakness because when I receive it, it means I do not have the ability to finish the task or enough skill to solve the issues. 

I hate the fact that I received help—sometimes.

Do superheroes need help or receive help?

Did a prestigious scientist receive help?

While I am grateful for all the help I have received, I still sometimes feel embarrassed that I did not do things myself. It cracks my ideal of being independent and normal. I hate feeling indebted. 

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t here if that means it should be with help.

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time to stop the help and catch the goal by my own energy, even with failures.

Is receiving help a sin? Is it a part of weakness? Does it signify weakness? Does it mean that you do not have the capability because you receive help?