Pause! A 2-year reconciliation with one’s self

They are running, while I can only walk.

I had to re-orient my future plan 2 years ago.

The long-term dream of working in the same line as my hobby was all broken into pieces as soon as I decided to leave the job I had. Jealousy ate all my thoughts as I found out most people around me already landed on their first job, while I felt like I have to go a long way back to square one: re-orient my plan.

The first few months of re-entering the world I would not believe I truly have entered again was hard. The fact that I have to move slower than others was devastating.

While I know for sure all those updates on social media were only intended to share one’s story of the day, with no intention to show off, I got myself in a cage of hatred, anger, and jealousy. I hate myself for not making it look as cool as others, making money, being independent financially, being a career woman, running a business smoothly, and many more. I hate myself for once again having to be trapped with the same issues those people had left. I hate to find myself stuck at the same point. No new achievement whatsoever.

I wondered from time to time how come I found myself back here? Again?

That was me.

Two years ago.

Now?

Luckily, the path I unexpectedly chose, the unimpressive path, the path that is stigmatized as “jobless in style”, the path that most people recommend not to take if one does not have a clear purpose or have any practical experience before, allowed me to take a productive ‘pause’.

I got to move at the right pace and, the biggest fortune is, with the supportive environment.

Two years ago or long before then, I would say I did not own a compass. I was completely lost in a sea of fast-moving people. I tried to run as fast as I could, tried to be recognized by people, yet I only tortured myself.

Slowly I realized what tortured me was not because others were moving too fast, it was because I did not own a compass. I kept following the wave without even knowing the destination it led to.

While is not it necessary to know your destination to efficiently moving?

The path I chose two years ago, which is the one I am still currently trying to reach the finish line, turns out to be the path I was looking for during that lost period. Additionally, it provided me with a compass to plan for things beyond the finish line.

Being on a slow-moving path and even with several times taking pauses has given me the opportunity to plan for a more organized journey to the uncertain future.

The very least benefit, if you might wonder why would moving slowly give benefits, is you do not lose yourself. You might even find yours. You are ‘safe’ and ‘sane’, not ‘drowning’ and ‘tortured’.

One by one, go and pause, fast and slow.

We will surely get to the place that is destined for us.