"It's okay", I said.

Once, a big question ran through my head, and I left it unanswered, let time find out itself. I was pretty sure the answer will come to me in the right time. For the time being, I pressure myself to keep doing what should be done, to keep doing what my parents expected to be done, to keep doing what I keep questioning.

Is this the right thing to do?
Am I walking on the right path?

Thought everything will go easy because this is what I have chosen back then.
But you know, God's plan sometimes doesn't come up like what we expect. Up and down, shine and dim, they happen like they live really close to us, even closer than our veins.
Then, regrets will come follow them and show their faces, really annoying faces till you want to throw up.

A thought of giving up start haunting. Tears come afterward, and anger follow them behind. Everything I do never reach the 'good' point, bad things keep happening, and I,
I keep pressuring myself. Hold everything by myself, hypnotize myself if everything is going to be alright countless time, yet it fail.

And the unanswered question, still left unanswered in a deep darkness in my dark thoughts, in a really small place in my brain, deep down in my heart.

One night, with pile of works wait for me, right in front of me with their tongue show up insult me, I look at myself in a really big mirror in my room.

My eyes are swollen because of all tears that keep shedding with no reason. My eyes slowly look down at my tummy, there wasn't any proper food filled in my tummy since the day I can't even remember. Afterward I raise my hands, they are full of glue, bruises almost in every edge of my fingers. From a far I can see my feet, and I remember I haven't gone to salon to take care of them for a very long time.

My body is a mess just like my mind.

I open up an old photo album.
Almost in every pictures I can see my old self smile happily.
I remember the time when I made the decision, probably the biggest decision I ever made in my life.
I remember my old self back then worked so hard to get the future me a proper happy life.
I remember my old self never even had a thought on stop chasing what I wanted, just because my old self want future me to be happy.
And I remember my old self kept asking God the answer of the right path, and wholeheartedly would accept the worst possible scenario.

"Dear my old self, you've done many good things to me, maybe what I've got now, which was made by all your tears and sweat, are God's answer for your endless pray, and as far as I know, God will give humans the right things, things which they need the most.

I may say I made a wrong decision, but God says it was the right one. I have no right to be mad, right?

Dear my old self,
thank you for everything and I won't let your tears and sweat be a waste.
I should have feel so honored by all your good deeds, and of course under God's permission. I shouldn't have kept complaining, I shouldn't have kept waiting for an answer that already right in front of me.

It's okay, me. You will get through this." I said to myself, pat my head gently.

Tears come again, and this time not with anger and regrets, but they come with smile instead.

Under my consciousness, the answer of the unanswered question which I've left in a deep deep dark place in my brain is right in front of me, and has been there for a very very long time, even before the question itself show up.

- "It's okay," I said.
No one can support yourself if it's not yourself.